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August 15th, 2010

Confusion abounds

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I just got back from the hospital. I'm so confused. I was sure my grandfather wouldn't live to see the weekend. Today when I looked at him he was very much alive. Bodily speaking anyway. Spiritually was another matter.

I don't know what's going on but what I saw wasn't what should be there. There was a spark there but it was withered...hard to really explain. It was as if what was there wasn't supposed to be there and was rotting inside of him.

He was very difficult to look at. I would only be able to look for a moment or so before I had to look away. What I saw wasn't natural.

Also, I realized that I didn't feel my grandmother there anymore. She hasn't been there since the day after the operation, when his body was still dying and his soul was standing with hers.

What do I do? I am totally out of my element. I can't tell my family what I see. They wouldn't accept it.

I have to ask around. Someone is bound to understand what's going on.

August 11th, 2010

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Yesterday I kept on thinking, "Grandpa will make it through the surgery but he won't live to see the weekend."

Today I went to visit him. He had made it through the surgery alright and they said he was doing the best they could hope for. Things were looking up. I was confused though. I was happy. I want my grandfather to be OK. But I was so sure he wouldn't be. I hoped I had been wrong for once. I hoped beyond hope that he was going to live.

It was difficult being in the ICU with him. All around me were people filled with pain and suffering. I was hit with waves and waves of seriously negative emotions. Despair, anger, sadness, pain....

By the time we left I felt dizzy from the serious shielding I had to do. Some of it was so strong that I couldn't keep it out of my shields.

Then tonight I get a call from my sister. There's a problem. He may need another operation tonight. It looks like one of the staples inside may have popped out and they may need to fix it or he'll become septic.

I doubt his body will be able to survive a second surgery.

August 9th, 2010

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There are some days where I just really wonder what it is I'm supposed to do. Why can I sense things I don't want to sense?? Why do I know things I don't want to know? I mean really. Sometimes I wish I was blissfully ignorant. Not all the time, mind you. Just during those times where it really hurts.

My grandfather is in the hospital. He's my only surviving grandparent. He's in the hospital a lot actually. He's old and his health isn't so good. Plus the past two years since my grandmother died have been the hardest on him. To be honest we didn't expect him to last this long.

When I arrived my grandfather was in a bed in the hallway and my great aunt and my uncle were with him. He was going to be taken down for more tests and they were just waiting for the person to come and take him. I kissed him and everyone and talked with him about my children while we waited. He looked good.

While he was gone I chatted with my aunt and everything seemed fine. She updated me on what was going on with him (I hadn't been able to go up this weekend) and after two episodes of Cash Cab he was back.

We went into the hallway to wait with him for the nurses to be able to put him back in bed. He can't possibly do it himself in his condition.

I walked out of his room and walked over to his side. I looked at him and I could feel it. Or rather I should say I felt one of "them". It was a dark shadowy figure standing right beside his head. I can't say which side or if he was behind him because it kept on moving.

My heart nearly stopped. As they got him into bed I stood in the hallway and tried to make small talk with my relatives. I tried not to let them know what I saw. They both know, as most of my family do, that I can sense stuff. But they were happy and talking about how optimistic the doctors are.

I started hoping that I was wrong. I kept on telling myself that when we got into the room I was going to look at him and see his spark as vibrant as ever. Even when he was his most sick his spark stayed bright. I was hoping it still would be.

We walked into the room and I could sense two more of them. The one that was moving around my grandfather's head was joined by another. There was a third standing near his feet.

I remember thinking it was strange. Usually they seem to all rush in at once and the room will go from metaphysically empty to crowded in no time flat.

I sat down next to my grandfather and he kept on asking how the kids, F, and I were. Then he asked my uncle about his family and my great aunt about herself. Then he asked if he was OK.

"You're OK, Grandpa. You're surrounded by people who love you."

It's something I tell him a lot. But I could feel that he knew in a way what was happening. Some people just know when they're dying. Especially if they're old or have been ill for a long time. They just know.

I wanted to leave. I wanted to run out of the room crying. But instead I smiled and talked about nothing.

At one point I could feel him fighting. I looked at him and he had unshed tears in his eyes. He was watching TV and not saying anything. Instinct fully I put my shield around him. I knew it wasn't a good move, but instantly I felt him relax and he felt calmer and not as afraid.

Oddly the shadowy figures didn't attack my shields. I couldn't sense them at that moment but I knew they were still there. I just knew that my grandfather was feeling a bit better.

Suddenly I felt a presence in-between my grandfather and I. It was my grandmother. She separated us and my shield couldn't surround him anymore. I tried to put it back up and then I could feel her yell at me to go. I felt the other shadowy beings sending the same energy to me. They wanted me out of the room and out of the hospital.

I looked at the time. It was about 7:25. I endured their trying to force me to leave for about 10 minutes. Visiting hours are over at 8 so I wanted to stay that long. I couldn't though. I felt so uncomfortable. It was difficult coping with the fact that I know they're coming for him, which means he'll die within the next week (maybe sooner, maybe later...no more than 1 1/2 weeks). Add to that the sensation of them trying to push me out of the room...I just couldn't handle it. I knew I couldn't stay till 8.

I told everyone that I was getting a migraine. I am prone to them so they all understood. They asked if I was safe to drive and I told them I was. That it was the beginning of the migraine and that I wanted to get home before it got bad.

I was in tears by the time I got to the car. I called my sister and told her that the doctors were optimistic and that he had the test. I didn't tell her that I felt them coming for him.

I called my husband and told him I needed to talk with him when I got home. I cried all the way to the parkway. Driving in the street while crying was dangerous enough. Driving on the parkway would've been suicide. At least in New York.

I have two parkways I had to drive on to get home. The hospital is about 20 minutes from my house. I felt numb while driving. But when I got on the second parkway I felt a sudden release of energy.

He was gone. Not dead. Not yet. But his soul/spirit/essence was gone.

Talking with F and N after I got home was tough. I started crying again. I also called T and C and they were comforting as well.

I just have to accept that the people I love don't live forever. No one does. It's part of living. My grandfather had a full and happy life. He's a good man and that's what counts in the end.

July 25th, 2010

I feel CLEAN!

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The attacks I've endured, the people I've met, the places I've lived, the things I've done.... Everything that happens to a person leaves a piece of itself buried deep within you. Usually a person can clean themselves of such things. Either through showering (does more than clean the body) or through more magical means.

Last night my husband, F, and 3 friends helped me get rid of some nasty shit that had attached itself deep within my core. I think a lot of it was left by the things that attacked me a while back. An attack that lasted about a year. The very one that I started this journal because of.

In order for my friends to help me I knew I would have to do something I've only ever done infront of F (well, maybe I was able to do it once infront of A too). F and A are the only people, to date, that I have felt comfortable enough around to let down my shields in front of. Well, now I can add 3 more names to that list.

Because I had never let my shields completely down around these guys, we all got a little stoned (except for F who is in the military). We didn't do much. Just enough to lossen us up and help us to do what needed to be done.

After we talked and laughed for a bit and then I told everyone what I wanted to happen. I had decided to let them do what they do in their own way. We are 5 people who each work magic and other spiritual matters in our own unique way. Plus we each walk a different path.

We went into the back yard. I sat down in the middle.

I asked F to sit at the north. He is strong and stable to me. I felt that he represented Earth far better than the others, at least in my mind.

M I asked to sit at the East. He has some things going on mentally and I felt that Air would be good for his mindset and personality.

N I asked to sit at the South. While I feel a lot of water in her, I also feel that she has a deep connection with Fire.

C I asked to sit at the West. He/She works with the dead a lot. The West is the perfect direction for that.

We sat down and they waited until I told them I was ready. I closed my eyes and worked at relaxing my body. Thankfully when getting ready to meditate this is easy for me. I've been doing it for so long that it's almost automatic.

Then I extended my outer shield to surround myself and the others. I felt that it wasn't a round shield but instead seemed to mold itself around our group in a way, leaving some room for the energy work.

Then I lowered all of my other shields. Completely. This is something I never feel comfortable doing, even in a circle by myself. After they were down I said, OK, and then spent the next howeverlong focusing on keeping my shields down (they kept on trying to come up) and allowing my friends to do what work they could. I also focused a bit on the shield around us all, making sure it stayed put.

What happened next is difficult to explain. I saw many things, felt many things. It felt like it was taking forever but I didn't mind. I knew this work would take a long time. I just worked at keeping my shields down and my energy open.

At times I felt connected to everyone, one at a time, in ways I never have. It was intimate on a level I didn't expect. Sometimes I would start to think things about each. It was as if they were talking to me a bit. I would find myself answering them too. One might mention that a shield was raising, or double check what I wanted. After a while it became second nature, especially with the shields. I could feel them let me know when I was unknowingly blocking them.

I saw so many things too. I realized at one point that putting them in their locations was the best thing to do. Feeling the work they did, and the general sensation of their power/magic/etc, I could tell that they did well with the directions I chose. I mean when N was working I could feel actual heat on my back that had nothing to do with the temperature outside.

I won't go into details about the things I saw and the sensations I experienced. It's too personal even for an anon journal. Lets just say that it was one of the most amazing experiences (when dealing with magic) of my life. It was amazing to experience 4 people doing magic differently for the same goal.

At some points someone touched me and when they did I had to fight not to block them. I had told them before we began that if they wanted to touch me they could. But still my instinct was to put a barrier between myself and them. That's what I usually do after all.

In the end F stood up first. Then M and then N. They did so in order which was really cool. C had some other stuff she/he wanted to do that he/she thought would help. So they did. At one point I laid down and looked at the sky. I asked if she minded if I worked on my shields and she said it was fine.

So I looked at the sky and I felt connected to that and the earth beneith me. Because of where we live and the clouds I could only see 1 star. I looked at that star and smiled. Then I found I could see 3 distinct forces in the world.

I smiled and said Hello to the Goddess. Then I said Hello to the god. Then I said Hello to the Divine Essence. Then I said Hello to all they touched and all that was a part of them. I looked at that star and I said Hello to whatever life lived under its light.

I could feel these forces wrap around me. I found I didn't have to really work on my shields. I just needed to surround myself with the universe. I felt at that moment (and still do) a part of everything around me.

I looked at C and asked if my shileding was blocking her. She said it wasn't. I sat up and began to feel a bit negative. Then I felt C pull whatever was left in me out and those negative feelings went with it. There were still some things she was working on getting rid of. Things she noticed before. I could also feel her asking for help from something. So I laid back down and let her do her work.

It took a while. When I felt she was nearing her end I went and faced her. I noticed beside me there was a hold in the ground from my dog. I felt the Goddess tell me to touch the earth. So I did. I found myself grounding while I rubbed my hands with the earth in the hole.

When it was all said and done I felt so good. C and I joined the others in the house and we laughed and I told them what I had felt. Then I took a shower and so did C.

After we had our own little party. We got drunk and high and had a good old time. I usually don't get so intoxicated, I prefer to feel the world around me while sober. But this was a celebration. For the first time in my life I felt so clean inside.

I noticed a small side effect of last night though. I am still connected with my friends. I've tried to sever the connection but truthfully there's nothing wrong with it. From what I can tell the biggest thing about it is that I can't block them atm. I know that eventually I'll be able to again. My theory is that it's because I spent the entire time keeping myself open to them while protecting against everything else. This is definitely NOT something to do with people you don't trust. But I can tell my trust was well placed.

THANK YOU F, M, N, AND C FOR HELPING ME IN A WAY NO ONE ELSE COULD. I love you guys!

June 11th, 2010

I've been moving past a lot of my fears lately. The result was a feeling of peace. This morning however I woke up in a bad mood and haven't felt very peaceful.

Just now I was watching something on Indigo and Crystal children. All the sudden I felt a jolt through my heart chakra and the video stopped. It just wouldn't play. At that very moment I was also hit with a wave of fear.

It's strange. I've felt this before and my instinct is to always run off. Go outside and smoke a cigarette or check on the kids or take the dog for a walk. Whatever I can do to get away from where I felt the jolt and the fear.

This time was different. I was about to jump up and go outside and smoke. Then I remembered that I'm quitting and don't have any cigarettes on me. So I stayed seated and focused on calming myself down. The weird thing is, it worked way too quickly.

I took in a deep breath and was about to focus on the fear when it was suddenly gone. I'm left with a very strange feeling that I can't identify. It's not fear. I can tell that much. It isn't anything really.

It's almost as if something had been in that spot (my heart chakra area) and is now gone. I try to visualize what had been there and what I see looks like an obsidian shard. It feels like it was projected at me.

The moment I turned my attention on it though it disappeared and there isn't anything left by it. I can feel my energy in the area returning to normal. My chakra and my energy don't seem affected. Well....wait....that isn't fully true. I have been affected.

All this morning I've been in a terrible mood that I couldn't shake. I just woke up really grumpy. Since this is the first day of not smoking that sort of made me feel worse. So I was grumpy and craving nicotine.

Now however I still really want a cigarette but I'm not grumpy. I feel a lot better actually. It's as if that shard absorbed a lot of negative energy that was beginning to build up in my heart chakra. I can see now that the negative energy was coming from me, building up because of my foul mood. Knowing me it would've dissipated anyway. But it's nice to have it gone so quickly.

I wonder what the shard was. Who sent it? Where did it come from? Whoever it was, thank you. I feel a lot better!

June 9th, 2010

I’m not fully sure what I was shown tonight. But I am pretty sure what happened to me.

All day I’ve been thinking about how I needed to meditate. And suddenly I was hit by the thought that I also needed to purge myself of energy. It had been a long time since I did that.

So I went outside tonight and sat on the patio. It’s raining and the rain is cold. So I couldn’t go sit on the grass. I would’ve much rather have had the Earth beneath me instead of concrete.

I placed my hands upon the patio floor. Suddenly I felt as if there was something holding me in that position. And I pushed all of my energy out. Every last bit that I could get. I made sure that the negative energy was changed to harmless energy. Converted.

In my mind I saw the energy as gold sparkles. This is how I usually see newly manipulated energy. I sent the energy into the earth and then took a deep breath as I sat up. As I breathed in I felt the energy be pulled into me. The breath was long. And as I breathed out I pushed even more negative energy, the stuff sticking to my very core, and I purged it too. Manipulated it, and breathed it back in.

I then opened my eyes and stood up. The yard felt so different. I began to have visions. At one point I saw a woman screaming, this shadow behind her. I tried to turn my attention to her to help her but was pulled back by some force that told me not to go to her. They wouldn’t say why.

I reached out and felt the swirl of energy in the center of my yard. It looked like a nexus but upside down. The energy of the ley lines are in the Earth there instead of above it. That’s why I couldn’t see them before but C was always able to and would tell me about it many times.

I went and sat on a little wall and smoked a cigarette. I know. I know. I’m quitting.

I felt the presence of the God next to me. “You have to face this you know.”
I nodded and looked away. He felt like an old friend I had lost. I felt guilty for not communing with him and the Goddess in a long time. He told me that everything was going to be alright and that I needed to focus.

I had a vision of myself standing in the center of my yard. The ground opens up and I look down. I am on a platform that is moving into the Earth. A woman is with me. I don’t think she was the Goddess. I wanted to talk to her but felt pulled to the surface. I wasn’t sure if it was fear that pulled me or someone else.

I then called C and told her everything I experienced tonight. I stood there, freezing on the patio, and looked about my yard. I told her that I saw a wall of energy blocking things. I don’t know who put up that shield but it’s really strong. Stronger than the shields I can do anyway.

Everything in my yard was enhanced. I could see so much. Every little sound, even those from outside my property, was louder and more clear. It freaked me out a bit. But I think I’m OK.

I told C that I had a feeling that what I had intended to do would open me way up. I feel more open than I have in years. Possibly since childhood. And I saw so much! I could feel the Earth’s pain at what’s been done to her. I could feel the dreams my children were having. I could just be one with everything.

And I am one with everything. I am connected to the Divine in a way I hadn’t thought possible. I know what I must do. I have to help people reach this place. This is a turning point for me. No longer will I be shut off from the world. I don’t think I could put up blocks even if I wanted to.
I am of the Earth. Strange, I never felt that before. I’m not a Child of Earth. But I am of it. I am a part of it. I am a part of the Divine.

This really isn’t news to me. It’s something I’ve always known. But it now makes sense. Those of us who have abilities have so because we’re all meant to have them. We’re meant to see and understand that we are the All. It’s not just in us. We ARE it.

Wow. I am so full of energy right now. I can feel it like electricity on my arms.

Just plain old WOW.

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I was just sitting here with Frankie when I felt sort of strange. My body vibrated softly and then I started to hear a man’s voice. Very low, very deep. I’m not sure who or what it was. It felt neither good or evil. Negative or Positive. It was it’s own true entity made up of something purely magical. Purely neutral. As connected to the Earth as I am.

I’m not sure what he said. It made perfect sense when I was hearing it. It wasn’t finished speaking. I had sort of gone into a trance when I was hearing it. My husband broke me out of it by touching me and asking if I was going to go to bed.

I’m so pissed that I can’t remember what he said. It was important for me to know. I know that. But I have no idea what it was he said. It was like a dream, except I’m sure I was awake. Now I feel as though I’ve woken from that dream and can’t remember a crucial part of it.

What do I do now? How do I fix this?

This doesn’t seem to make much sense. But I keep on hearing, “sing a song” It’s a woman’s voice in a way but I also hear little bells. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s almost like my wind chime in the back yard. But it’s not, it’s Her voice.

Sing a song? I’m not sure what that means. My confusion has severed the connection too. There is a way to fix this I think. I need to meditate. But I’m not sure I can. I was planning on doing it, but something is stopping me. I keep on thinking of other things to do.

Them. Whoever They are. A thinks they’re voiders. They’re blocking me from doing what needs to be done. I knew there was something of them inside of me.

I need to go into the yard and purge my energy like I planned. Clean it all out and fill it with good clean Earth energy.

I think I’m afraid this’ll open me wide up again. It’s scary. That thought shouldn’t be in my head though because there is nothing wrong with Earth energy. So why be scared? Voiders. I’m sure of it.

So into the back yard I go.

FEAR

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Fear. When you're involved in the metaphysics fear can be a dangerous weapon. Causing another being to fear can cause that being a lot of damage. It clouds your sight so you see enemies everywhere. It blocks your intuition so you feel cut off from the Divine. It can create a prison around you.

I no longer believe that the attacks I've received were to cause me to feel fear and shut down or worse. No. I KNOW that's what was going on. I KNOW that these beings wanted me afraid.

I haven't checked myself yet. I need to do a full cleansing and rebuild my shields. Part of me is so afraid that I want to ask someone for help with this. A, F, or C mostly. But the truth is, I know that this is something I HAVE to do on MY OWN. There is no way around it.

Most nights I go into the basement and veg. I haven't done anything I love to do like write or draw. I have a drawing sitting there, waiting to be finished. It's for someone I love yet I can't finish it. I just veg. Maybe drink a little. Maybe smoke little.

*sigh* I need to get myself back on track. Yes, when I am down there vegging I'm really reflecting. But I need to do more than reflect and figure things out. I need to act.

Tonight, after the kids go to sleep, I'm going into the back yard and meditating. I would do it on the grass usually but it's raining out. I love water but at the moment I don't want to be sitting in the cold rain. Instead I'll just sit on the patio.

I'm going to purge every bit of negative energy that has build up within me. I'm going to pull the Earth's life energy around me and fill myself up with it's goodness. Then I'm going to put a protection circle around myself and tear down all my shields. One by one I'll rebuild them. I'll make them stronger than I ever have. But I won't use them to cut me off from the world. Instead they'll protect me while I experience the world.

Maybe after that I can get over my drawing block and go back to my art.
I wrote this in a community a friend told me about. There seem to be so many there who are a lot like me. I haven't found any gatekeepers or anything. The community there is mostly empaths. But I did find people who also feel something is coming. Not to surprising as something is always coming. But I figured maybe I could reach people there.

-----I've been having dreams all my life that seem to be messages. Not all dreams are, but there are some which I don't think I'll ever get out of my head. Not too long ago I woke up from a dream and all I could remember was, "On the 15th hour of the 15th day of the 15th year it will come." Not sure about the last part as I was groggy. But the "15th hour of the 15th day of the 15th year" really stuck in my head.

It's been nagging me ever since. Only thing I can think of is that something is supposed to happen (or rather something is supposed to begin) on January 15, 2015 at 3:00 pm.

Then today I remembered that at around 1999 or 2000 I was meditating and had a huge feeling that something was going to happen in about 15 years. A few of my friends at the time said they had a similar feeling. At the time 15 years seemed so far away and eventually I forgot about it (I really need to write down what I get in my meditations and dreams).

Unlike one of my friends who thinks the world is going to end, I believe that whatever happens will help usher in a new age. It seems to me that more and more people are awakening and realizing that there is more to the world than what they were taught in school. They're discovering that they have great gifts. Abilities to sense things that not too many people seem to be able to.

I get the feeling that whatever is happening requires that people awaken. I know that there are many who won't and there will always be people who don't. But the more people to witness the changes happening the better.

I don't know what the change is. But I do know that it'll benefit humanity if we let it. Fighting it isn't a good idea.

I really can't explain much more than that. There is a lot of information that I'm still processing. I sometimes feel like a very slow computer. Put in raw data and then I have to translate it. *shrugs*
-----

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I wrote a letter to C, N, and M. I've been trying to talk to them for a while about what I've been seeing lately as it does involve them too. But every time I begin to I find myself stopping, unable to continue. Sometimes it's because the conversation takes a turn. Sometimes it's because I feel silly talking about this stuff, even with people I trust who I know won't judge.

What prompted me to write the letter was a small vision. I sat down at the computer and felt a jolt of energy. However it wasn't energy I could use. It was a message. With the energy I had a flash in my head. I saw the faces of C, N, and M and felt the urgency to talk with them.

Unfortunately at this time they're all sleeping. Plus N and M don't have a phone so I can only contact them through e-mail. I wrote a lot more than I meant to. I just needed to tell them what I know. Unfortunately it's less than I thought.

I need to meditate tonight. I need to commune and know what's happening. What I get I do understand, but I can't really relay it back to others. I just don't know the proper words.

Sometimes I laugh and say that I need to think up new words for this shit. There are some things that make the English language VERY limited. Something to think about.

I know the things I need to do. I just don't know how to go about them. There are more who need to be a part of this than C, M, N, myself, my husband... I know a few who might have answers. But I also know there are people who haven't come into my life yet that have roles to play. Unfortunately I don't know where to find them.
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