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Fear. When you're involved in the metaphysics fear can be a dangerous weapon. Causing another being to fear can cause that being a lot of damage. It clouds your sight so you see enemies everywhere. It blocks your intuition so you feel cut off from the Divine. It can create a prison around you.

I no longer believe that the attacks I've received were to cause me to feel fear and shut down or worse. No. I KNOW that's what was going on. I KNOW that these beings wanted me afraid.

I haven't checked myself yet. I need to do a full cleansing and rebuild my shields. Part of me is so afraid that I want to ask someone for help with this. A, F, or C mostly. But the truth is, I know that this is something I HAVE to do on MY OWN. There is no way around it.

Most nights I go into the basement and veg. I haven't done anything I love to do like write or draw. I have a drawing sitting there, waiting to be finished. It's for someone I love yet I can't finish it. I just veg. Maybe drink a little. Maybe smoke little.

*sigh* I need to get myself back on track. Yes, when I am down there vegging I'm really reflecting. But I need to do more than reflect and figure things out. I need to act.

Tonight, after the kids go to sleep, I'm going into the back yard and meditating. I would do it on the grass usually but it's raining out. I love water but at the moment I don't want to be sitting in the cold rain. Instead I'll just sit on the patio.

I'm going to purge every bit of negative energy that has build up within me. I'm going to pull the Earth's life energy around me and fill myself up with it's goodness. Then I'm going to put a protection circle around myself and tear down all my shields. One by one I'll rebuild them. I'll make them stronger than I ever have. But I won't use them to cut me off from the world. Instead they'll protect me while I experience the world.

Maybe after that I can get over my drawing block and go back to my art.
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