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I feel CLEAN!

I feel CLEAN!

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The attacks I've endured, the people I've met, the places I've lived, the things I've done.... Everything that happens to a person leaves a piece of itself buried deep within you. Usually a person can clean themselves of such things. Either through showering (does more than clean the body) or through more magical means.

Last night my husband, F, and 3 friends helped me get rid of some nasty shit that had attached itself deep within my core. I think a lot of it was left by the things that attacked me a while back. An attack that lasted about a year. The very one that I started this journal because of.

In order for my friends to help me I knew I would have to do something I've only ever done infront of F (well, maybe I was able to do it once infront of A too). F and A are the only people, to date, that I have felt comfortable enough around to let down my shields in front of. Well, now I can add 3 more names to that list.

Because I had never let my shields completely down around these guys, we all got a little stoned (except for F who is in the military). We didn't do much. Just enough to lossen us up and help us to do what needed to be done.

After we talked and laughed for a bit and then I told everyone what I wanted to happen. I had decided to let them do what they do in their own way. We are 5 people who each work magic and other spiritual matters in our own unique way. Plus we each walk a different path.

We went into the back yard. I sat down in the middle.

I asked F to sit at the north. He is strong and stable to me. I felt that he represented Earth far better than the others, at least in my mind.

M I asked to sit at the East. He has some things going on mentally and I felt that Air would be good for his mindset and personality.

N I asked to sit at the South. While I feel a lot of water in her, I also feel that she has a deep connection with Fire.

C I asked to sit at the West. He/She works with the dead a lot. The West is the perfect direction for that.

We sat down and they waited until I told them I was ready. I closed my eyes and worked at relaxing my body. Thankfully when getting ready to meditate this is easy for me. I've been doing it for so long that it's almost automatic.

Then I extended my outer shield to surround myself and the others. I felt that it wasn't a round shield but instead seemed to mold itself around our group in a way, leaving some room for the energy work.

Then I lowered all of my other shields. Completely. This is something I never feel comfortable doing, even in a circle by myself. After they were down I said, OK, and then spent the next howeverlong focusing on keeping my shields down (they kept on trying to come up) and allowing my friends to do what work they could. I also focused a bit on the shield around us all, making sure it stayed put.

What happened next is difficult to explain. I saw many things, felt many things. It felt like it was taking forever but I didn't mind. I knew this work would take a long time. I just worked at keeping my shields down and my energy open.

At times I felt connected to everyone, one at a time, in ways I never have. It was intimate on a level I didn't expect. Sometimes I would start to think things about each. It was as if they were talking to me a bit. I would find myself answering them too. One might mention that a shield was raising, or double check what I wanted. After a while it became second nature, especially with the shields. I could feel them let me know when I was unknowingly blocking them.

I saw so many things too. I realized at one point that putting them in their locations was the best thing to do. Feeling the work they did, and the general sensation of their power/magic/etc, I could tell that they did well with the directions I chose. I mean when N was working I could feel actual heat on my back that had nothing to do with the temperature outside.

I won't go into details about the things I saw and the sensations I experienced. It's too personal even for an anon journal. Lets just say that it was one of the most amazing experiences (when dealing with magic) of my life. It was amazing to experience 4 people doing magic differently for the same goal.

At some points someone touched me and when they did I had to fight not to block them. I had told them before we began that if they wanted to touch me they could. But still my instinct was to put a barrier between myself and them. That's what I usually do after all.

In the end F stood up first. Then M and then N. They did so in order which was really cool. C had some other stuff she/he wanted to do that he/she thought would help. So they did. At one point I laid down and looked at the sky. I asked if she minded if I worked on my shields and she said it was fine.

So I looked at the sky and I felt connected to that and the earth beneith me. Because of where we live and the clouds I could only see 1 star. I looked at that star and smiled. Then I found I could see 3 distinct forces in the world.

I smiled and said Hello to the Goddess. Then I said Hello to the god. Then I said Hello to the Divine Essence. Then I said Hello to all they touched and all that was a part of them. I looked at that star and I said Hello to whatever life lived under its light.

I could feel these forces wrap around me. I found I didn't have to really work on my shields. I just needed to surround myself with the universe. I felt at that moment (and still do) a part of everything around me.

I looked at C and asked if my shileding was blocking her. She said it wasn't. I sat up and began to feel a bit negative. Then I felt C pull whatever was left in me out and those negative feelings went with it. There were still some things she was working on getting rid of. Things she noticed before. I could also feel her asking for help from something. So I laid back down and let her do her work.

It took a while. When I felt she was nearing her end I went and faced her. I noticed beside me there was a hold in the ground from my dog. I felt the Goddess tell me to touch the earth. So I did. I found myself grounding while I rubbed my hands with the earth in the hole.

When it was all said and done I felt so good. C and I joined the others in the house and we laughed and I told them what I had felt. Then I took a shower and so did C.

After we had our own little party. We got drunk and high and had a good old time. I usually don't get so intoxicated, I prefer to feel the world around me while sober. But this was a celebration. For the first time in my life I felt so clean inside.

I noticed a small side effect of last night though. I am still connected with my friends. I've tried to sever the connection but truthfully there's nothing wrong with it. From what I can tell the biggest thing about it is that I can't block them atm. I know that eventually I'll be able to again. My theory is that it's because I spent the entire time keeping myself open to them while protecting against everything else. This is definitely NOT something to do with people you don't trust. But I can tell my trust was well placed.

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