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June 8th, 2010

Children of the Star

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For 2 nights now I've had weird dreams about a group called "Children of the Star". In the dream they hate me for some reason. I don't understand it but they always want to twart my efforts to do certain things. Good things, though they seem to hate the metaphysical aspect of what I do. These are things I haven't done...yet.

In the first dream I'm sort of on vacation. Weird thing is my cousin, T, is there. He and his friends, in the dream, were learning some metaphysics from me. Basically I was slowly opening them up.

Then we're attacked, physically, by these two men and a woman. One of the men grab me and I can't get away. So I draw in his energy. I just keep on doing it until I can't anymore, purge the energy into the Earth, and do it again.

The second guy sees his buddy fall to the ground unconscious (in reality I don't know if it's possible to drain someone so completely) and runs and grabs me too. So I do the same to him.

The woman comes over and instead of draining her I give her what she wants most in the world. I push all that energy into her and open her way up. I do it to the point where she sees everything I do. The exception is that instead of seeing spiritual stuff as spiritual stuff she sees it as if it's all physical. Even though it was a temporary effect it still drives her mad.

In the second dream it's the same thing, same people, but they attack me at home and I do that stuff.

At the end of both dreams the police take away the guys and the chick is taken away by ambulance.

There are warnings to these dreams though I don't know if I'm interpreting them correctly. 1 is that there will always be people who stand against me. Most are harmless. Some can be dangerous. the 2nd is that even though metaphysics doesn't effect the physical the way it does in the movies, it can still have devastating effects if used a certain way. The 3rd is to be careful who I talk to. In the dreams it was someone I was teaching that alerted the Children of the Star. Though they didn't know that the people they talked to would try to hurt anyone.

Dreams...gotta luv them! *sigh*

June 3rd, 2010

So long

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It's been so long since I've written on here. To be honest, life has been hectic. There are a lot of mundane changes happening and I just haven't been able to focus on the spiritual side of things.

Truthfully I've been neglecting myself spiritually. I haven't meditated, worked with my gate, or anything of that nature. The only time I've even talked about it with anyone (the very few people I actually CAN talk about it with that is) is when my friend C brings it up. She seems to feel that I need to open up once more.

I have to be honest, it's not just life that's gotten in the way. It's FEAR. Terrible and strong it is driving me crazy. I've completely cut myself off from the world in the spiritual sense.

I used to sit outside and just commune. It's hard to explain. Basically I would sit there, on my front steps, and just listen. I wouldn't hear stuff in words or with my ears even. But I would hear things. There's a tree in front of my house that would speak to me. Sometimes the wind would whisper to me. I might talk to one of the gods. Even the insects, in their collective way, would speak.

I didn't always understand what it was they all were saying. But I loved to listen. On occasion I might talk back. Ask a question and see what answers I get. Again, I wouldn't always understand. Even a spiritual being can be limited by their human body. But it was comforting to get an answer just the same.

I do miss it. Until this moment, writing about it, I didn't realize how much I missed it. My shields are just wrapped so tightly around me that I don't hear anything at the moment.

C thinks it's dangerous for me to close myself off so much. She feels that I am able to access these parts of my spiritual self for a reason. She insists that I have to open up once more. But again I'm AFRAID.

The world is full of beauty. Most people think of the oceans and forests and deserts and mountains and lakes and rivers.... They think of the animals and plants and rocks. But there is so much more than can be seen with the eyes, heard with the ears, or felt with the skin. There are things out there that the 5 senses just can't detect. Like the faeries slumbering in a rose bush. The sprites dancing in the grass. So many things out there, many of which I have no name for.

However, with the light comes the dark. There is so much that is malicious in a way that cannot be imagined. There are things that attack anything they feel has even a hint of power. I'm just so tired of fending them off. The attacks get stronger and stronger and I'm not sure I have the strength anymore to fight them.

I need help. I miss the Silver Circle. The only time I had a group of friends who were similar to me. C and M and N have all stated that they want to start a coven. I have to admit that I've considered restarting Silver Circle, though by a different name. It won't be the same, but it might be similar. First I'll have to open to M and N. J might even join us too. I'll have to open to him. While M and N I feel might be receptive, I'm unsure about J. I can't read him like the others. I don't know where he stands.

There are things I was sent here to do. I know this. This knowledge has never left me. I wish I didn't doubt myself.

Then again, maybe the reason for so many attacks was so I WOULD doubt myself. If I do then I won't be able to complete my mission.

Shit. Why do things have to be so fucking complicated!!!

May 5th, 2009

(no subject)

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WotW
C is on the phone with me right now. Turns out that the work we did really opened her up which is great because that's what was needed.

I want to help others. I keep on having visions of doing a workshop sort of deal. I'm sitting in a circle with others and helping them to open up and connect with The Divine. It's a sort of group meditation.

I told F, my husband, about WotW. He really didn't have anything to say. Though he did suggest that I read some theology books. I agree. Learning about other Paths will help me to understand this one.

May 3rd, 2009

Beltaine musings

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On Beltaine (Friday) C came over for the weekend. Yesterday we went to a Beltaine celebration. The interesting thing happened Friday night though.

We were sitting out back and talking about metaphysical stuff. I felt the urge to do a guided meditation with her. I forget how it started, why I felt that. But I believe that I was being instructed by the Divine Essence to open C up a bit more and help her regain abilities she had lost.

It was strange. The entire time I felt as if it wasn't so much me guiding her as it was the Divine Essence working through me. I knew exactly what to say, I knew exactly what she needed to find within herself. It's not the first time this has happened. In the past I wondered where such things were comming from. Now I know.

Anyway, we wound up opening a part of herself that had been blocked since perhaps her 5th life when she was a shaman. I was able to see clearly herself as this shaman. I was able to see her, as the shaman, sealing off parts of herself for reasons neither of us know.

After it all we talked about WotW and how I feel about starting it. I felt that what I was doing with her is something that I'm meant to do. Guide people. Help them find the inner parts of themselves that has been blocked off for whatever reason.

This is very important, though it's difficult to say what I'm to do now. Guiding C is one thing. Guiding others, many of whom I won't know until the time comes that they need me, is another thing. I don't mind being an instrument for the Divine Essence. I just wish I knew how to get those who need guidance. How do I find them? How will they find me?

So many unknowns. However this Beltaine marked a turning point for me.

Tomorrow I begin my fast. I am going on a vision quest of sorts. This week will be interesting and I hope I learn even more.

April 25th, 2009

Purification

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I know what it takes to become an enlightened being and I feel that in this life it's one of the paths I'm meant to walk. I've done some of what is needed but I need to do more.

I don't take very good care of my body. That has to change. I have a lot of toxins that I need to eliminate and I need to put an end to what I do that causes those toxins to build.

It won't only help me physically but mentally and spiritually as well.

I've decided to start fasting on a regular basis. That means that perhaps twice a year I'm going to fast. I'm starting with a juice fast because I've never fasted before and everything I've read on the subject suggests a juice fast when you first start fasting.

I'm quitting smoking. As of this morning I plan to be smoke free. I may be a bit optimistic about that. I know from past experience that quitting is difficult. The longest I've gone is 2 years. I've been smoking for 18 years or so. That's a lot of built up toxins I need to kick.

This is something I feel driven to do. I'm going to start on Beltaine. That gives me about a week to quit smoking and prepare.

April 24th, 2009

Symbol variation

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I've been looking at the symbol I made last night. I kept on feeling that the symbols that formed from the 4 circles...the part that A said looks like lotus petals...has significance. If I were to make a charm, to put on a necklace or something, then this would be it. Something more simple to represent the larger symbol.

Talkin about the symbol

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I talked with A tonight about the symbol. It was an interesting conversation. I wish, not for the first time, that we lived near eachother still.

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April 23rd, 2009

Symbol

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This is the symbol I've had visions about. Now I just have to wonder the meaning behind it.

Walk in the park

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I felt aggitated this morning. I'm not sure where it came from. I just needed to get out of the house. I was going to go to the marina I used to meditate at but decided against that. I'm low on gas and it's not all that close. So I went to the park down the road. It's a HUGE park and very beautiful.

I felt as though I was being guided by something. I could feel the darkness still within me a bit. I'm not sure what to make of that. But I shruged and decided to see where It would take me.

I found myself just walking around the park. At one point I stopped and leaned against a tree. I considered meditating but realized that wasn't what I was there to do.

I stood there, letting my mind wander, and then it dawned on me. I was there to feel the wind.

I know that sounds strange but it makes sense. When I first went to the marina I felt a strong wind. I could feel energy comming off that wind. Energy I really needed. I assumed that the energy was unique to the marina itself, maybe something comming off the water (I'm very sensitive to water energy).

While at the park today I felt that same wind. It wasn't quite like at the marina as that feels more like water and this felt more like earth. But the energy was there just the same.

I then heard the darkness for the first time. It told me that I could find the energy in any natural setting. The wind blows it around and makes it feel more intense. However it's still there just the same.

It was a good lesson for me. After that I walked back to my car (or I should say pulled back) and came home. The Darknss has left just like the Divine Essence leaves after I'm told something important.

The land has the energy and the wind moves it around. Or rather it moves in time with the air currents.

So I've learned where to find good water and earth energy. Since it's brought by the wind I feel that perhaps it's air energy as well. I wonder what I'll learn for fire energy. That should be an interesting lesson.

Then again summer is comming...

Finding Balance

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I know that finding balance is on the path to enlightenment but to be honest I was never sure what that meant. Afterall, good and evil balance eachother out. Did that mean we must have both good and evil within us? And what does that mean? Does it mean that we do good and bad things? Or is balance having those things within us but having the ability to choose which we do, and choosing good is best?

I think I understand now. When I talk with the Divine Essence I feel the energy come through the top of my head and go down to my heart chakra. In my mind's eye I see it as a golden light. I hear a voice in my head that is surprisingly male (it had previously been female). I feel as if within that light is everything. Literally. All condensed into one small space.

So the light felt good. Natural. The way it is supposed to be. I felt that perhaps womewhere in it there was the secret of balance. I was surprised what I found out this morning.

I was laying in bed, hitting the snooze button to get a few more minutes of sleep. I felt something comming towards me from my legs or feet. It felt dark and in my mind's eye I saw blackness. Strangely I wasn't afraid or anxious about the dark presence. Still I tried to shield from it.

I felt that when I put up my shields it stopped and just stayed there, waiting. I was half asleep and must've started to doze because I stopped shielding at one point and the darkness came in. When I realized this I was instantly awake.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to fight this or even if I should. I studyed it and realized that whatever it was, it was what balanced the Divine Essence. It dame up from my feet and stopped in the middle of my body.

There was no malace in it. It was simply the opposite from whatever the Divine Essence is. But it wasn't evil. It didn't speak to me. I got the feeling that it was just letting me know of it's existence.

My alarm went off and I needed to get up. The darkness pulled out of me the same way it came in. I jumped up, got dressed, and went to get my kids ready for school.

Now that I'm thinking of it I notice that I feel more balanced within myself. I don't know how to describe it. It's not a matter of good and evil. It's a matter of light and dark, both of which have the capacity of good and evil. Good and evil aren't what the world needs to have balance. It's the light and dark.

What exactly does that mean? For me as well as humanity? I'm not sure. I do know that my energy feels clean. I feel content (where for the past few days I was a bit down). I feel balanced, centered, etc.

I think balance is allowing both the light and the dark to enter you. Allowing both to become a part of you equally. Accepting that within youself you have both the light and the dark as well as good and evil. Next lesson will probably be what to do with it all. To be honest I'm not sure.
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